The Spies Who Loved Me

President Donald Trump gestures to Russia’s ambassador to the U.S. Sergey Kislyak as he speaks to Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov in the Oval Office.  Alexander Shcherbak / TASS/Getty Images

James Bond move over, Donald TRUMP stage right: the greatest spy movie of all time is unfolding right in front of our eyes. If “Celebrity Apprentice” and “Make America Great Again” weren’t great enough already for reality tv audiences, we now have “The Spies Who Loved Me,” the episodic sequel that tops them all.

And oh what a love fest we are witnessing in the Oval Office, more defiantly erotic than Monica, as TRUMP and his Russian blowhards stick it to one another with the utmost joviality and good old boys uncontrolled glee. Of course, we know it’s all a big joke, but the joke is on us, the media, and cable news junkies who can’t get enough of this White House porn. It has all of Washington jumping and shouting and demanding more and more: more hearings, more investigations, more inquiries, more testimonies, more subpoenas, more, God help us, titillation, and more is never enough.

The Grand Pimp, Putin himself, that old KGB hack, sits back and enjoys the SHOW with the most profound pleasure as he pulls the levers of age-old Russian counter-intelligence seduction. He has already smacked General Flynn and Paul Manafort, and most likely countless others who have fed off the Russian trough, slurping from Putin’s teats like sows lusting after their mother’s milk. What is the attraction we ask? Why have the XTreme TRUMPologists fallen prey to this old, obvious espionage trap? It’s quite simple: the sexy allure of unconditional flattery.

TRUMP, the absolute narcissist, was smitten very early on by Putin’s complements: the soft whispers, the warm press announcements, the love strokes. TRUMP surrounded himself with Putin’s harem: Flynn, Manafort, Rex Tillerson, Roger Stone, Carter Page, et al. With so much political romance it was too easy to seal the deal, however tacitly: Putin messes with DNC email, fuels public confusion with socially-mediated fake news, blows a few kisses, all while a pumped up TRUMP squeals with delight, basing his whole campaign strategy on Russian penetration. What a sweetheart deal. TRUMP’s best deal ever, I dare say, surpassing everything he had ever accomplished in the business and reality tv world heretofore. Nevermind, the erection of the TRUMP logo on phallic highrises, nevermind the cocksure macho board room prowess, now TRUMP has transformed the White House into a presidential brothel.

But like most serial adulterers, TRUMP has made one fatal mistake. He thought he could get away with his little Russian affair with Putin and the love spies. He thought he could rewrite the script of the US presidency into a bad romance novel. And despite the separation of powers, the monogamy of law enforcement, and all that other old-fashioned, constitutional nonsense, he has been caught in the act. I mean, really, we thought the TRUMP SHOW was supposed to be about Modern Love!